gone gone gone

all gone. nothing left but a cramp in my leg from the drive and a vast pit of loneliness in my stomach.

i drove to milwaukee to say goodbye when what i really meant was, "i'll see you later."

i'm taking this really hard. much harder than when any of my other friends have left chicago for places that are more miami-new york-australia-like. i can't quite comprehend that he won't be available for a taco or a late-night coffee jaunt. i can't figure out what i'm going to do when i need someone to bring me soup or go to an andrew bird show with.

or the symphony.
or a tom waits concert 8 hours away.
or to help me move.
or to write terrible music with.
or to call when i'm very, very sad.
or very, very happy.

or any of it.

i feel like i just gave up my left hand; the strong hand, the one that i write with, eat with, flick people off with.

i'm glad i went to milwaukee to say my peace. i will miss him and i know that things have changed, perhaps not as dramatically as i suspect, but i'm preparing for 'drastic.' we said our goodbyes and promised each other that we would take care of ourselves, but i sincerely believe we made that promise because we know we can't take care of each other anymore.

i'll keep up my end of this bargain if you keep up yours, man. much love.