the things that i am do not tell me what i am not.

i am a woman.
i am indian.
i am pakistani.
i am muslim.
i am american.
i am a 'shiksa.'
i am a friend.
i am a daughter.
i am a sister.
i am a lover.
i am an ex-lover.
i am a waitress.
i am a student.
i am a writer.
i am motivated.
i am lazy.
i am uncomfortable.
i am funny.
i am smart.
i am stupid.
i am boring.

there are so many things to say that i am. there also all the unspoken things that i am not. above all, i am frightened to find out what i'm not.

he's moving.

he's moving to Portland. with a girl. i don't know much more than that, but i know he is moving. to Portland. with a girl.

my ex-boyfriend: a tall German man with an absurd moustache. he drank too much, complimented too little and hated most anyone who wasn't him. i was in love. and now he is moving. away. i had hoped and prayed that he would leave Chicago, but now that he actually IS leaving, i don't know what i'm feeling. is this relief? is this sorrow? am i hungry?

he didn't inform me of his impending (recent?) departure, and for that, i am upset. i don't know how i would have reacted had he taken the time to tell me, but i'm sad that he didn't even give me the chance. he told our mutual friends, which is how i found out. they seemed surprised that i didn't know. i can't blame them, really. i was surprised that i didn't know either.

i wish him well. from a distance.

Mystery Cove

Give this a listen, then read the following post:

As a long-time non-fan of the popular television show, "Lost," I can finally say that I love the show, thanks to Mystery Cove. Now, I haven't been a non-fan of "Lost" out of spite or anything like that. It's merely been circumstance that has kept me from watching a single episode. Honest.

The "Mystery Cove" podcast has re-ignited my interest, based solely on the fact that is a Lost-type show... that doesn't actually exist. The beauty of the podcast is in the fact that you have two extremely talented improv performers pretending that they are the executive producers of a popular-ish television show.

Do not, I repeat, do not look for the show.

Rather, enjoy the lively discussions and drama the "producers" and "actors" engage in as they answer "fan mail" about the show. It's brilliant. The podcast not only make enough references to the fictional show to make you believe the show exists, but it includes the politics behind putting on shows, taking many a jab at the FOX network, whom I will never forgive for taking "Arrested Development" and "Firefly" off the air.

Enjoy the podcast and feel free to send them your questions. They'll answer, no matter how irrelevant or asinine.

I have to go watch some non-television now.

things that frighten me.

school is kicking my ass.

i'm so very close to done, and i'm afraid that i won't meet my deadline and all of my carefully-laid plans will collapse in on itself like a cheap folding chair.

my life is not a cheap folding chair.

The Grand Plan

I am going to Ireland, damnit. I am going to do the study abroad program and graduate in europe and stay there for however long it takes to become successful and happy. i am going to DO THIS.

for now, i have a stupid waitressing gig and an earth science class.

the road to success is paved with poop.

non-stop action

too much to do. too much.

i went back to my old job.

i made the dean's list.

i study a lot.

i write very little.

i want a nap every second of the day.

Knoxville, TN and Tom Waits

Something good happened. Something very good. No, call it something AMAZING.

I took a once-in-a-lifetime road trip with my best friend to Knoxville, TN to see Mister TOM WAITS perform!

I love. Tom Waits.

For starters, it couldn't have come at a better time. My head was about to explode and I was moving at speeds that could have broken the sound barrier. I quit my jobs. Not all of them, just a few.

And then, we left. Just. Like. That.

The drive was beautiful. I wish some of my pictures had turned out, but my camera has decided to hold them all hostage. I'm still waiting for its demands. We drove (well, he drove -- i don't drive stick) for approximately 8 hours before finding ourselves in the heart of All That Is Green. Knoxville is beautiful. It's a sleepy city, from what I could see, and the folks were friendly enough, although it was strange not to see a single minority, save for myself and one guy on stage.

The Stage. The Civic Auditorium was quite a sight. I'm always impressed with architecture, as I come from the mindset of, "Everything has already been built." I was sorry to see that the venue wasn't the divey-hole-in-the-wall that I had dreamed of, when I would dream of seeing Tom Waits live. But, it was lovely.

Then, there was The Poster Plan. As it stands, Tom Waits is the only musician that I will go out of my way to purchase the actual albums, as opposed to downloading. I do this for two reasons: 1) I want to HOLD onto something when I listen to his music and 2) The artwork is always jarring and beautiful. I wanted one of the posters for those two reasons. Apparently, venue officials had been notified of my obsessive need and put a lockdown on ALL posters. There were guards. For real. M and I made more than a few attempts to claim a glossy prize by ways of coercion, distraction and bribery. We lied, we cheated, but alas, we did not steal. I kinda regret not stealing. Ah, well.

The Show. Once it began, I forgot where I was. It was magical. Tom Waits. In the flesh was hooting, crooning, shouting and stamping to his heart's delight, and mine too. I was surprised at how mild-mannered the crowd was. M and I were not so mild. We danced and gazed, shouted and clapped loudly enough to turn heads.

Everything after the show was a blur. Finding a motel, eating, chatting, sleeping and driving back... I don't remember much of it. I didn't need to.

There was Glitter. There was Doom. There was the Show I'd Always Wanted To See.