papercuts

i haven't been able to write. not a damn thing. or, at least nothing i like. i feel like i've got papercuts on my brain and anything creative i had to offer is slowly hemorrhaging away. soon, there will be nothing left but cobwebs and recipes. is this writer's block? it feels more like a massive dam that's only allowing stupid thoughts to trickle out. like these ones. oh so stupid.

i'm looking at the bulletin board where a million little post-it notes are mocking me. that's where the good ideas are. on post-it notes. once upon a time, they were in my head, and then one day, i wrote them down and said, "I'll get to that soon. It's too good to leave alone." i've left the good ideas alone for too long and now they've formed an army of tiny yellow squares. they're waiting to attack me in the middle of the night. i know it. they'll leap off the cork board, brandishing thumbtacks, and kill me in my sleep. i won't even be able to fight them off, because they're the GOOD ideas.

samurai post-its.

these boots were made for walking?

My feet are cold and wet, but my ankles are intact. I blame and commend my sneakers for the state my feet are in.

I love my sneakers, I do, but they just don't cut it when it comes to Chicago snow, sleet and slush. After the first snowfall, beautiful as it was, I realized that I needed a pair of boots. Now, here's the problem with women's boots: they are calf-to-knee length, sexy and sleek, but they all have three-inch heels attached to them. Now, where's the sense in that? Am I expected to tromp about on icy sidewalks and slippery train platforms in shoes that may keep my feet warm and dry, but also threaten my life with every step? I beg of you, beloved fashion industry, invent sensible shoes for sensible women. or, at the very least, invent sensible shoes for women who value their life and mobility.

i realize that i've never complained about this issue before, and i also realize that it may be due to the fact that until this winter, i owned a car. last winter, i donated my car to Zipcar, thinking that i was helping to promote car-sharing, helping the environment and being a good citizen of the planet. i wish i'd thought harder about the alternative: walking. walking in dangerous shoes. everywhere.

i miss my car.

Do Unto Others...

I have always been a fan of The Golden Rule, and enjoyed the simplicity of such a fundamental moral principle. I have, however, discovered that it needs to be amended. "Treat others as you would like to be treated," is all well and good, if you treat yourself well to begin with. If you don't, then maybe there's a need for a Silver Rule, or a Bronze Rule, in which one can begin to practice being good.

Maybe the Silver Rule should be, "Treat yourself as you would like to be treated." That's simple. Self-explanatory. Perhaps a bit self-indulgent, but what's the harm in doing something nice for yourself? I keep meeting people that just don't give themselves the credit they deserve for simply being alive. It's not easy. I'm not being pessimistic, but I do think that more people need to take a step backwards, give themselves a long, hard look and say, "Hey. I'm okay. In fact, I really like myself." And then they should get a hug. And maybe a medal.

As far as a Bronze Rule goes, that might be a little trickier. There are some problems with the Golden Rule, but the biggest problem might be the expectations of reciprocity. If I expected everyone to treat me the way that I try to treat them, I would probably end up pretty disappointed. Perhaps the Bronze Rule should go a little like this: "Be as good as you can possibly be." If everyone was as good as they allowed themselves to be, then they could treat themselves as well as they thought they deserved, hence, the Silver Rule.

this gets complicated, but only if you forget what "good" actually is.

it's hard to remember what's good, but i believe that we forget only because we get caught up in defining what's bad. there's an awful lot that's bad for us. in case you forgot, consult your Bible. or the Surgeon General. we're told that anything and everything is bad for us, whether it be ultra-violet rays, carbohydrates, pre-marital sex, talk radio, Europeans or chocolate. how bad can chocolate really be?

This post has gotten slightly convoluted. Here's the breakdown: "Be good. Then be good to yourself. THEN, go for the gold." Remember, you deserve it.

Baby's Got A Brand New Blog

Well, here I am, on the cusp of a brand new year. To celebrate, I thought it might be a good idea to start a new blog. There's nothing quite so satisfying as starting a new project, and I need some satisfaction right now. Among the slew of projects I've started this past year, not a single one has actually panned out successfully.

Let's take stock, shall we?

In work-related issues, I am still waiting tables with all the charm and enthusiasm I can muster, but find myself frustrated with the fact that I'm still waiting tables. It's a ridiculously convenient job that has nothing to do with future aspirations. Ah, well.

School is still a large part of my life, though I've grown weary of that as well. It might be time to finish up with that chapter of my life. I'm honestly a little scared of what happens after I get a degree. School has been a safety net for so long now, I'm not sure if I'm ready to climb out onto that tightrope without it.

I own a guitar I can barely play and a keyboard that mystifies me. Music happens, and I want to know how. It might be too late for me to become a rock star, but if I can learn how to play, just a little bit, I'd feel better about owning these instruments.

I can't seem to quit smoking. I try and try and try. I sneak one in every few days, telling myself, "One won't hurt." It does hurt. I want to know where I left my discipline, my sense of determination and my self-worth. It's a vile habit, and I hate myself for ever having started. It's been ten years. No. More.

Overall, I'm looking forward to the new year and some semblance of a starting-over point. It feels a bit like hitting 'reset' instead of the snooze button. "You snooze, you lose. I've snost and lost."

to be continued.